The Dynamic Of Family

This past weekend was my wife's first full weekend off since mid-January (she is a horticulturist and being that we had such a mild winter, she has had to work nearly 7 days a week for the last five months in order to keep up with the out-of-sync growing season).

We decided to take off Saturday morning, head south and spend the weekend out of town visiting family and friends.

My family has never been close and has always been rather dysfunctional when it comes to relationships.  My father's family was synonymous with unforgiveness and would spend years, and even lifetimes, avoiding one another.  It is unfortunate, but it seems to transcend generations.

This weekend was a time of healing for some of the relationships that have suffered as a result of what was described above.  My wife and I had a great time "getting to know" my family again--nothing unpleasant happened.  It was good.

I am thankful for healing in this area as family is VERY important to my wife and I.

As I get older, the idea of "family" continues to be redefined in my life.  We all need family to be there when we are hurting and to share with during our life's journey ... whether good or bad.  Experience has revealed who falls into the "family" category for me, and many are not blood related.  This may be the case for you as well, and that is okay.

Be thankful for the blood family that hold this place in your life.

.: SELAH :.

✓ First Doctor's Visit

As an update (or continuation) from my last post, yesterday was my birthday ... 44.  I'll have to say, I don't really feel any older than I did a day ago, but the realization of being "middle aged" is beginning to set in.  To celebrate the big day I went in to work early, had a hormone therapy consultation, ate one of my favorite meals ... spaghetti with plain sauce mixed with Maccaroni & Cheese powder and LOTS of Parmesan cheese ... and was in bed before 8:30pm.  Woot!

My consult went well and tomorrow, before work, I will stop by the hospital to have my blood work done.  The doctor said that I have 70% of the symptoms of having a testosterone/estrogen level issue, but we won't know to what degree until they have a chance to study my blood test results.

As an added bonus, I found out that I have a couple of sebaceous cysts on my back, one that is fairly large, that need to be removed.  >sigh<

Right now ... I wait.

.: SELAH :.

That's right ... I'm hot

So, I've been having full blown hot flashes at night for several months, but this past week they broke through the nocturnal constraints and now I'm having them during the day.  If you are a woman who has gone through, or has experienced hot flashes, you know what this is like.  For those who have no clue what I'm talking about, let me explain:

I'm in a car with my wife and we are on a 3 hour road trip (one way) to see my mom for Mother's Day.  I am burning up.  In my rational mind, I'm thinking that the intermittent sunshine coming through the car windows is causing me to be warm, so I do what every normal person would do ... crank up the A/C.

A short time later I look over in the passenger seat and see my wife (blue lips, icicles forming at the end of her nose) covered up in her wrap.  "Are you cold?" I asked ...

Duh!  She's freezing to death!

My face was flush, I had sweat beading up on my nose, and, if I could have, would have stripped down to my skivvies to try and cool off.

My appointment with my wife's doctor has been set, on the afternoon of my 44th birthday mind you, to begin hormone testing and therapy.

I don't envy an woman going through menopause ... no, not at all.

.: SELAH :.

Efforts Waisted? Possibly.

As I am sitting at my desk with my morning coffee, I'm discouraged.  You'll laugh when I tell you why ... and then you will feel compelled to provide me with great words of wisdom and try to comfort my seemingly asinine state of mind with cute cliche phrases.

Here's the deal.  I ask that you do, or say, nothing and please don't devalue my feelings--these things are truly weighting heavy on me right now.  Just know that, although this is where I am at right now, it will pass and I will be fine.

The burden that I carry this morning is my inability to get ahead financially.  It's always one step forward, two steps back; but somehow, everything manages to work out in the end and the trend is always moving onward and upward with a few setbacks sprinkled in.

I really have nothing to complain about:

• I have a decent home with decent furniture.
• I have a decent job that pays the bills.
• I drive a decent car.
• I wear decent clothes.
• There is always food to eat and the bills are always paid on time.
• I have A/C in the summer and heat during the winter.
• I have my health.
• I have an amazing wife and family.
• I can afford a few luxuries in life like wine and cigars.
• Every couple of years I can afford to go on an inexpensive vacation.

My frustration lies when something happens that wipes out what I've tried so hard to establish.  To give you an example, I have worked and sacrificed over the past six to twelve months to build up our savings account.  In one fail swoop, we emptied all but $50 of our savings to pay our income taxes.  This ALWAYS happens ...  medical bills ... car repairs ... home repairs ... taxes ... the rug gets pulled out from under us and we find ourselves back at square one again.

To aggravate even more, sometimes we are given a gift, or receive a small windfall for whatever reason, and just when we think we have our feet on the ground, something else happens and takes that money too.  Recently, both my wife and I received raises from our employers in the same week.  Less than five days passed when we were informed that our house payment was going up significantly ... by almost the exact amount that our increase was.  It's like we are destined to live from paycheck to paycheck, never being able to financially plan for the future or gain any type of financial footing.

I should be thankful that I have the money to take care of these things, and, in a matter of speaking, I am, but it is so discouraging!

Then my mind wanders

and I begin to wonder

what I've done in this life

to deserve such frustration.

Is money the answer?  Or does the issue lie in my lack of contentment and satisfaction for the things that I've been blessed with?

I'm going to say it is the later of the two.  If I don't get this resolved soon, I will spend the rest of my life chasing after empty dreams, only to find myself at the end of life having accomplished nothing of real worth.

How do I change this mindset?  This is the question I am trying to answer today.

.: SELAH :.

Let's Get Physical

I've noticed, in recent months, that I've been having an issue sleeping at night.  Not that this is highly unusual for me, but the cause of my unsettling nights is something new ... hot flashes.

Yeah, I know what you are saying, "Men, don't have hot flashes or go through menopause."  Oh, but they do!

I've done some research, and as men get older and their testosterone levels drop, some men go through something called Andropause, or male menopause ... but I don't think that this is not what is happening to me.  My testosterone levels haven't dropped, I'm actually producing too much.  The body naturally deals with the extra by turning it into estrogen.  As a result, I now have too much estrogen in my body which is causing me to have mood swings, hot flashes and the unsightly development of moobs (man boobs).

My wife goes to a doctor who does hormone testing and who can prescribe a pill or a cream to help balance out my hormone levels.  I will be setting my appointment to see him in the coming weeks.

Getting old is such a weird experience.  I'll keep you posted as to how this all shakes out.

.: SELAH :.

Reminiscing ..

I am convinced that there is a point in one's life where they stop and ponder about where they are, who they are and where they've come from. That is exactly where are am this week.

In doing so, I find myself hypersensitive to relative subject matters. I hear many talk about regrets, and they say things like "If I had to do it all over again ..." and proceed to explain about all the things in their miserable life that they would have changed over the years. Although my past choices have not always been full of wisdom or a full understanding of the consequences, I'm not sure I would change much ... if anything at all.

For example, my first marriage of 11 years failed and, in all honesty, probably should have never happened, but through that experience I gained two of the most amazing kids a father could have. I also came out on the other side with a much greater understanding of who I was and was able to quickly recognize what I truly needed in a help-mate. I am now very happily married--in June, it will be 11 years--and I can guarantee you that this past 11 years has gone a whole lot different than the previous ones did.

Having said that, I would never say "If I had to do it all over again, I would not have..." done this, or made this decision, or married this person, or whatever. I have made mistakes, but without them, I wouldn't be where I am today.

Now, to say that I am completely without regrets would be a lie. When I was in negotiations with the road manager for Mylon LeFevre & Broken Heart to become their keyboardist in the early 90's, I should have taken it and moved to Georgia. When I was asked to fly to Texas and play keyboards for George Straight at the Texas State Fair, I should have accepted. When I got rid of my '98 Camaro, I probably should have thought that through a bit more. When I was a much younger man, I should have begun socking money away for when I was older. When my first wife served me with divorce papers, I should have gotten an attorney. When my children were small, I should have tried to force the issue so that I could spend more time with them. ...so, yes, I have regrets.

If "Ifs" and "Buts" were candy and nuts,
we'd all have a Merry Christmas!

Enough said.

.: SELAH :.

Dreamers: Part 2

"Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions, and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing and what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell.
We know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me."


...and this is what I saw as I drove to work this morning. It was, by far, the most brilliant, vivid rainbow I've ever witnessed. It remained in the sky almost my entire drive in. I was able to capture this image and take in its beauty for a few minutes, along with a co-worker and several neighbors, and just seconds after I walked away it disappeared.

Maybe that rainbow was placed in the sky for me.
Maybe God was trying to get my attention.
...the Rainbow Connection.

.: SELAH :.