Efforts Waisted? Possibly.

As I am sitting at my desk with my morning coffee, I'm discouraged.  You'll laugh when I tell you why ... and then you will feel compelled to provide me with great words of wisdom and try to comfort my seemingly asinine state of mind with cute cliche phrases.

Here's the deal.  I ask that you do, or say, nothing and please don't devalue my feelings--these things are truly weighting heavy on me right now.  Just know that, although this is where I am at right now, it will pass and I will be fine.

The burden that I carry this morning is my inability to get ahead financially.  It's always one step forward, two steps back; but somehow, everything manages to work out in the end and the trend is always moving onward and upward with a few setbacks sprinkled in.

I really have nothing to complain about:

• I have a decent home with decent furniture.
• I have a decent job that pays the bills.
• I drive a decent car.
• I wear decent clothes.
• There is always food to eat and the bills are always paid on time.
• I have A/C in the summer and heat during the winter.
• I have my health.
• I have an amazing wife and family.
• I can afford a few luxuries in life like wine and cigars.
• Every couple of years I can afford to go on an inexpensive vacation.

My frustration lies when something happens that wipes out what I've tried so hard to establish.  To give you an example, I have worked and sacrificed over the past six to twelve months to build up our savings account.  In one fail swoop, we emptied all but $50 of our savings to pay our income taxes.  This ALWAYS happens ...  medical bills ... car repairs ... home repairs ... taxes ... the rug gets pulled out from under us and we find ourselves back at square one again.

To aggravate even more, sometimes we are given a gift, or receive a small windfall for whatever reason, and just when we think we have our feet on the ground, something else happens and takes that money too.  Recently, both my wife and I received raises from our employers in the same week.  Less than five days passed when we were informed that our house payment was going up significantly ... by almost the exact amount that our increase was.  It's like we are destined to live from paycheck to paycheck, never being able to financially plan for the future or gain any type of financial footing.

I should be thankful that I have the money to take care of these things, and, in a matter of speaking, I am, but it is so discouraging!

Then my mind wanders

and I begin to wonder

what I've done in this life

to deserve such frustration.

Is money the answer?  Or does the issue lie in my lack of contentment and satisfaction for the things that I've been blessed with?

I'm going to say it is the later of the two.  If I don't get this resolved soon, I will spend the rest of my life chasing after empty dreams, only to find myself at the end of life having accomplished nothing of real worth.

How do I change this mindset?  This is the question I am trying to answer today.

.: SELAH :.

Let's Get Physical

I've noticed, in recent months, that I've been having an issue sleeping at night.  Not that this is highly unusual for me, but the cause of my unsettling nights is something new ... hot flashes.

Yeah, I know what you are saying, "Men, don't have hot flashes or go through menopause."  Oh, but they do!

I've done some research, and as men get older and their testosterone levels drop, some men go through something called Andropause, or male menopause ... but I don't think that this is not what is happening to me.  My testosterone levels haven't dropped, I'm actually producing too much.  The body naturally deals with the extra by turning it into estrogen.  As a result, I now have too much estrogen in my body which is causing me to have mood swings, hot flashes and the unsightly development of moobs (man boobs).

My wife goes to a doctor who does hormone testing and who can prescribe a pill or a cream to help balance out my hormone levels.  I will be setting my appointment to see him in the coming weeks.

Getting old is such a weird experience.  I'll keep you posted as to how this all shakes out.

.: SELAH :.

Reminiscing ..

I am convinced that there is a point in one's life where they stop and ponder about where they are, who they are and where they've come from. That is exactly where are am this week.

In doing so, I find myself hypersensitive to relative subject matters. I hear many talk about regrets, and they say things like "If I had to do it all over again ..." and proceed to explain about all the things in their miserable life that they would have changed over the years. Although my past choices have not always been full of wisdom or a full understanding of the consequences, I'm not sure I would change much ... if anything at all.

For example, my first marriage of 11 years failed and, in all honesty, probably should have never happened, but through that experience I gained two of the most amazing kids a father could have. I also came out on the other side with a much greater understanding of who I was and was able to quickly recognize what I truly needed in a help-mate. I am now very happily married--in June, it will be 11 years--and I can guarantee you that this past 11 years has gone a whole lot different than the previous ones did.

Having said that, I would never say "If I had to do it all over again, I would not have..." done this, or made this decision, or married this person, or whatever. I have made mistakes, but without them, I wouldn't be where I am today.

Now, to say that I am completely without regrets would be a lie. When I was in negotiations with the road manager for Mylon LeFevre & Broken Heart to become their keyboardist in the early 90's, I should have taken it and moved to Georgia. When I was asked to fly to Texas and play keyboards for George Straight at the Texas State Fair, I should have accepted. When I got rid of my '98 Camaro, I probably should have thought that through a bit more. When I was a much younger man, I should have begun socking money away for when I was older. When my first wife served me with divorce papers, I should have gotten an attorney. When my children were small, I should have tried to force the issue so that I could spend more time with them. ...so, yes, I have regrets.

If "Ifs" and "Buts" were candy and nuts,
we'd all have a Merry Christmas!

Enough said.

.: SELAH :.

Dreamers: Part 2

"Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions, and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing and what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell.
We know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me."


...and this is what I saw as I drove to work this morning. It was, by far, the most brilliant, vivid rainbow I've ever witnessed. It remained in the sky almost my entire drive in. I was able to capture this image and take in its beauty for a few minutes, along with a co-worker and several neighbors, and just seconds after I walked away it disappeared.

Maybe that rainbow was placed in the sky for me.
Maybe God was trying to get my attention.
...the Rainbow Connection.

.: SELAH :.

You May Say That I'm A Dreamer ..

In my last post, I mentioned that I've been called a "dreamer". Here is what that really means:

I live life somewhere between reality and fantasy. My mind is a constant blur of "what if's", and blended with reality, I find it difficult to know where the line is drawn that separates the two.

Many people dream. Former MLB pitcher, Brian Williams, once said

"A person starts dying when they stop dreaming."

It's human nature, and without it, "...people parish" (Proverbs 29:18). It's what moves us to the next level. It's what spawns creativity and ingenuity. Dreaming is a healthy part of life.

Dreaming becomes problematic when it places an unrealistic perspective on truth, thus causing the "dreamer" to make poor decisions that impact those around them in a negative way.

Personally, I think I straddle this line.

I love to dream and play scenarios out ... in my mind, on paper ... in whatever way that I can get it out of my head. I love to do the research that provides me with the information that I need. I love to see it all planned out on paper (or screen). To me, this creative process is fun and exciting and it allows me the opportunity to discuss with people, pulling from their experience and knowledge base.

Yes, I have been called a "dreamer", but it held a lot of negative connotations. I had great dreams of following music as a career, but was called a "dreamer" and told things like, "you can't make a living doing that..." from people that I respected and looked up to. I was told the same types of things about becoming an animator for Walt Disney, or moving my family so that I could go to seminary... I didn't do those things either.

In my life I've dreamed a lot of dreams. To date, I have achieved few if any of them. Part of my quandary is that I've stopped allowing myself to dream--it's been many years now. I still go through the motions when my mind gets set on something, but there is no emotional attachment. I can't. It's too painful.

.: SELAH :.

Painfully Aware

I don't know what triggered it, but yesterday proved to be one of the most difficult days of my life--at the age of 43 (nearly 44), I became painfully aware of how little my life means. Don't write me off just yet ... let me explain.

As I sat with nothing to do but think, think I did.

What does my life mean?
What have I accomplished in my 43 years?
What are my present goals in life?
Why am I here?
What am I supposed to be doing?

(This was very quickly becoming a catalyst for a major bout with depression, but probably a road that I needed to travel down.)

All my life I've been known as a "dreamer". Even my father referred to me as such growing up. I was forever creating fantasy worlds and encounters through art, music and writing and, to be quite honest, I choose to live in those worlds rather than face the reality of my home-life: alcoholism, drug abuse, family dysfunction, verbal abuse... I was alone, and that is where I learned to stay. It was safe there.

Yesterday, as if someone wiped the scales from my eyes, I began to see things in a more realistic light and not through my normal "rose-colored glasses". I will turn 44 in a month and I don't have anything, really, to show for it. I've been on a long and difficult journey. I've worked long and hard to get where I am today, fighting every step of the way, but as I look back, I feel empty in my stomach (and my heart).

At this point, I could list the many horrible circumstances that encompass my past and provide you with all the grueling details of my life's failures, but I'll spare you as, really, these are unimportant. What is important, however, is the truth and regret that everyone faces at some point in their life.

Have I just been spinning my wheels all these years? Was it all for naught?

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason--the good and the bad. These life experiences prepare us for things to come. It could be a decision that will need to be made in the future, or even a conversation that we will have with a friend or relative where we can, with all honesty, say, "I've been there. I know what you are going through."

So, having said that, I don't believe that our experiences have been a waste. The bigger question would be, in the realization of all this, "What do I do now?"

That, my friend, is for another conversation entirely.

.: SELAH :.