Painfully Aware

I don't know what triggered it, but yesterday proved to be one of the most difficult days of my life--at the age of 43 (nearly 44), I became painfully aware of how little my life means. Don't write me off just yet ... let me explain.

As I sat with nothing to do but think, think I did.

What does my life mean?
What have I accomplished in my 43 years?
What are my present goals in life?
Why am I here?
What am I supposed to be doing?

(This was very quickly becoming a catalyst for a major bout with depression, but probably a road that I needed to travel down.)

All my life I've been known as a "dreamer". Even my father referred to me as such growing up. I was forever creating fantasy worlds and encounters through art, music and writing and, to be quite honest, I choose to live in those worlds rather than face the reality of my home-life: alcoholism, drug abuse, family dysfunction, verbal abuse... I was alone, and that is where I learned to stay. It was safe there.

Yesterday, as if someone wiped the scales from my eyes, I began to see things in a more realistic light and not through my normal "rose-colored glasses". I will turn 44 in a month and I don't have anything, really, to show for it. I've been on a long and difficult journey. I've worked long and hard to get where I am today, fighting every step of the way, but as I look back, I feel empty in my stomach (and my heart).

At this point, I could list the many horrible circumstances that encompass my past and provide you with all the grueling details of my life's failures, but I'll spare you as, really, these are unimportant. What is important, however, is the truth and regret that everyone faces at some point in their life.

Have I just been spinning my wheels all these years? Was it all for naught?

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason--the good and the bad. These life experiences prepare us for things to come. It could be a decision that will need to be made in the future, or even a conversation that we will have with a friend or relative where we can, with all honesty, say, "I've been there. I know what you are going through."

So, having said that, I don't believe that our experiences have been a waste. The bigger question would be, in the realization of all this, "What do I do now?"

That, my friend, is for another conversation entirely.

.: SELAH :.